National News: President Obama is vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. That should be interesting. Up until now, old New England family’s idea of a person of color was George Hamilton.
FDA News: A new “at-home laser” to treat wrinkles around the eyes received FDA approval and can be sold over the counter. A new at-home laser? What could possibly go wrong there?
GOP News: The Republican Governor’s Association is looking for a new chairman after South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford resigned. The first question on the replacement application is, “Are you a eunuch?” The second question; “If no to the previous answer, are you willing to become one?”
Gas Update: Gas prices have gone up again, but oil companies say they plan to pass the increased revenues on to customers. At many service stations, they have already added a second squeegee.
California News: California schools have canceled summer school because of the money shortage. It's all part of a program called, “leave no child ahead.”
New York News: I was in New York City last week and not much has changed. For instance, I saw two strangers sharing a cab… one was taking the tires; the other was taking the radio.
Disney Update: Disney Cruise Lines will send the stars of “High School Musical,” “Camp Rock” and “Hannah Montana” on several of its cruises this summer. This marks the first time I am pulling for the Somali pirates.
Cheney Update: In a recent speech Dick Cheney said he now knows that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done I guess.
Jackson Update: Michael Jackson’s memorial service was held at the Staples Center in L.A. The Ringling Brothers circus performed 8 hours later. Anyone who could tell the difference got in free.
Madoff Update: Bernie Madoff was sent to prison. He took money from new investors to pay old investors while investing none of it and skimming from the middle. No wait… that’s the Social Security Administration.
McCain Update: John McCain said on his Twitter feed that he is buying a new Ford Fusion hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer; now he is on Twitter and buying a hybrid. He is like Benjamin Button.
Airline News: British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for free. Now that is just what you want . . . a pilot with nothing to lose.
Celebrity News: Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he would get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.
Golf News: President Eisenhower became the first President elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. In a related story, President Clinton and President Kennedy were elected to the Hooter’s Hall of Fame.
Media News: “Little people” are calling on the FCC to ban the word "midget" on T.V. broadcast calling it offensive the same as a racial slur. A spokesman for the little people, Meinhardt Raabe, “averred” the word should be declared, “Legally, most regally, reliably, certifiably and undeniably dead.”
NASA News: Former Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s trial is scheduled to move forward. She drove across country wearing a diaper to confront her former lover. Until the trial, she remains free on her own incontinence.
PETA News: The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. In a related story, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden’s head took its own life.
Reminder: We can drill our way out of this hole.
Television News: Television has now gone completely digital in the United States. Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes are still flying over Sarah Palin's head.
Squib Notes:
1. Obama appoints “Celebrity Health Czar,”- cites recent crises.
2. Jodie quote, “I don't want buns of steel, I want buns of cinnamon!”
Quote of the Week: “This is still an affluent country. What other country could afford President Obama?”
